Who wants to live forever?
by Shinime1
Summary: Miaka has finally summoned Suzaku, and all is peaceful in the world of the book. She and Tamahome may now return to her world. The seishi (minus Mitsukake and Chiriko, who have died) may go their seperate ways...but where does that leave Hotohori?
1. Prologue: Hopeless

Prologue: Hopeless

            Another day was starting in Eiyo, the capital city of Konan country. The sunlight was streaming down in soft, early morning rays over the palace, urging the birds to begin their joyful song of a new day. The light poured in through a window in the south wing of the palace, over two people happily asleep together. One was a joyful girl, her mouth turned up in a smile, her hazel eyes shut as she was still asleep, and her rich, auburn hair tied back in a loose braid. She was the one that the country called the "Priestess of Suzaku", and she had finally accomplished her duty. Her name is Yuuki Miaka. 

            Next to her, lying with his arms protectively around her, was a young 16 year old boy, his face extremely calm and peaceful, his eyes staring up at the ceiling, their gray-blue depths shining with love as he waits for his beloved to awaken. He cannot imagine life any other way, and all is perfect. His name is Sou Kishuku, Suzaku seishi Tamahome.

            In the west wing of the palace, there lay a sleeping auburn haired 17 year old, out like a light and as unconscious as a log. The smell of alcohol was rich on his breath, but that was not a surprise, as he is a frequent of the local bar, and he had been out there late the last night. This was Kou Shun'u, who was known as the courageous, brash, and passionate Suzaku no seishi Tasuki.

            The room near his was empty, but its occupant has always been a morning riser. The blankets on the bed were neatly folded and the whole room was tidy, as if no one ever stayed there, yet someone did. Next to the wall there was a table, on it there was one old mirror, old, yet still good. That was the only object in the room. Its occupant had left early for the pond, where he sits to watch the sun rise in the courtyard. He remains still, sitting on a rock jutting over the edge of the water. The ever-present mask lay beside him, the smiling face a welcome sight to others, hiding the scar that would not heal. A maroon eye gazed across the still waters, the world at peace. This was Ri Houjun, Suzaku seishi Chichiri.

            In the north wing of the palace, in a room that is locked from the inside, lay a beautiful young person. Not much of an early riser, the occupant was just lying in the bed. The rich, violet hair pulled back in its customary braid lay across his shoulder and over the pillow. Thick, black eyelashes concealed expressive orbs of violet emotion. Although they usually showed strong emotion, it isn't usually the emotion that he was feeling then. In fact, the only time when you could see what he is actually feeling is when he's unconscious. The only time he lets down his guard is when he is in his room with the door locked. His pale, creamy, smooth skin contrasted greatly with his hair and eyelashes, making him seem frail. If you knew him in person though, he would seem far from frail to you, both mentally and physically. This is the heart of the seishi, the strong one, Chou Ryuen, Suzaku seishi Nuriko.

            In the east wing, there was a closed door, with guards stationed in the corridors all around the room, keeping their constant vigil. The room was the emperor's chambers, although the man inside felt anything but mighty.

            Lying on his side, curled up in the massive bed in the middle of the room, lay a young man of 18. According to a lot of people, he is the most beautiful man in the whole country, at the least. It's ironic, because he is feeling different from that.

            The light coming in from his window streams onto his face, so he rolls over, his eyes still shut tight. His silky rich brown hair tied back in its customary loose ponytail was slowly falling free of its bindings, flowing over the pillow and across his face. With all his heart, he wished that it weren't morning, yet night was so long and lonely. 

            The seishi's job to support the miko was finally finished; they could all go back to their normal lives, the country in peace. Normal life…he didn't want to go back to it… the friends that he has grown so close to in the last year or so…he didn't want them to leave.

            The man, Seishuku Saihitei, emperor of Konan, Suzaku seishi Hotohori, slowly opened his eyes, his true feelings showing after keeping them inside for the longest time. To those who didn't know him, he seems perfectly all right. But if you did know him, enough to know what he looks like every day, you would see the tears threatening to spill from his golden eyes, and the look of utter loss, grief, and hopelessness on his face. Looking at him, some might think that he had the look of a man who had had a bad night. In fact, the look on his face was actually telling the world that he had lost all hope. The tears never came though. He wouldn't let them. He was the emperor, he has to be strong and protect his country. He has had so much grief in his life now; being merely 18, even if he wanted to, he has no more tears to give.


	2. Chapter One: Autumn

**Disclaimer: **Although I may wish with all of my heart that I own the seishi, they belong to Watase-san…but I can still dream, can't I? And I really do own a stuffed animal named Nuriko… ^^;;

**Author's note: **I will be responding to the reviews as much as I possibly can…because I love all reviews, they make me happy, and happy me equals good writing… ^^;;

            Urg, this week was so boring at school that I got this whole chapter done during the block space in between science and academics. -_- 

Anyway…here be my responses…please read and review…then you can get your name displayed in here too! ::dundundun:: 

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**Anya:** No, there would not be any yaoi in this…since I think that you can already guess what the major pairing is going to be…it is mostly all friendship between the seishi…but I do like yaoi, and I will have to write a yaoi sometime…perhaps a 1x2 one…=]

**Purple mouse: **Hai, Nuriko and Hotohori are two of my favorite seishi! I wouldn't kill them off, since all my fic ideas revolve around both of them. ^^.

**DC **and **scarlet.tennyo:** You really like it that much?

            Wow…everybody seems to love my ficcy so far…and I haven't even gotten past the prologue yet… O.O;;

            …wow…anyway…here be the chapter! ^^.

(O yeah…_italics _are thoughts…)

Chapter One: Autumn 

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            Hotohori finally finds the strength to drag himself out of bed, after lying awake for an hour. It was strange, usually he liked to think about things, about life, and just doing nothing, but now, it only brought on more sorrow. Why should he give himself fantasies to dream about if they're only going to give him pain?

            He walks over to the chest, and digs out something to wear. What he found was a silk material, slightly darker than what he usually wears; a dark blue color with a black and gold vine pattern, and red running all around as an added highlight. He gazes at his reflection in the mirror, the clothes fitting him exceptionally well; accenting his golden eyes, and making them shine with a different fire.

            _For one day, only one more, will I have to pretend to be "Hotohori", the brave, noble, and courageous swordsman. After that, I can go back to…_His thoughts trail off.

            Go back to what? What was there to go back to? It seemed to him as though Miaka and the seishi had been there his whole life, but that was only partially true. The truth was that, yes, he had been alive before he had known Miaka, but he didn't actually start living until he looked into her eyes.

            Remembering her eyes, a slight smile covers his face. Her eyes are beautiful…like autumn, when the trees are mostly bare except for the evergreens, which stand tall against the weather. Yes, she was like autumn, because that season is exceptionally beautiful, yet it is short, and before you know it, it's gone with a gust of cold wind. The man in the mirror, who was only briefly smiling before, looks miserable once again.

            _Snap out of it, Saihitei. You shouldn't morn the loss of someone who is still there._

But in truth…he had already lost her.

            He looks at the mirror again. Who is the beautiful, mysterious, and sad man in there? It surely couldn't be him…

            _Just one more day…and then I won't have to pretend anymore. _

            He forces a calm, gentle look, like he has done countless times, only today for some reason, it's much harder. The same look on the man in the mirror stared back at him.

            Not being able to stand looking him, Hotohori walks over to the window, hearing the birds in the background, to meet a sight almost as depressing as the mirror…

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            Miaka slowly awakens to the sounds of someone moving around the room. She snaps her head up, and is immediately relieved to find that there was no intruder.

            "Tamahome? What are you doing sneaking around the room like that? You scared me. I thought you were a thief or something!"

            Tama looks up from cleaning up something on the floor, to find her awake, and quickly throws on a smile. "I didn't want to wake you, so I was trying to be quiet." He motions to the mess on the floor. "It didn't help that I knocked everything off the table searching for this." He extends his hand toward her, handing her the object.

            _Today…today will be the day I tell her…_

            She studies the expression on his face, before shrugging it off, and looking down at the object in her hands. It is a small wooden box, just plain and simple. She looks back up at him questionably.

            "Don't worry…it won't eat you. Now open it."

            Flipping the lid, Miaka's eyes widen with wonder. In it, there lies a hair ribbon, black with red and gold leaves all around it, made of silk. Looking back up at Tamahome, she cannot think of anything to say, except for one question.

            "How did you get this?"

            "I bought it. I have been saving up for a long time, and since today is special…I thought that now would be the appropriate time to give it to you."

            Looking between the ribbon and him, Miaka is speechless. Something like this would have cost a lot in her world. Turning to him, she throws her arms around his neck.

            "Thank you, Tamahome. It's beautiful." If he could see the expression on her face though, he wouldn't believe her thanks as much.

            _He has to learn that finery and money won't make me happy…they don't win my heart…_

However, Tamahome does notice. Expecting some more thanks, he is disappointed, but quickly hides it behind a smile.

            "Go ahead, put it on."

            Miaka rises from the bed to stand in front of a mirror, doing her hair in a high ponytail. She smiles at herself in the mirror, and then proceeds to get dressed. Her uniform maws totally trashed during the summoning, so she wears an outfit from this world, red, black, and gold, just like the ribbon only with a different pattern. 

            After she is done, she hears the birds singing and is compelled to look out the window. Breathing in the fresh early autumn air, she sighs. "Kirei…today is going to be really beautiful." Turning back to Tamahome, she asks, "Ne, Tama, do you want to go for a walk in the courtyard?"

            Tamahome, meanwhile, is deep in thought.

            _Miaka…I've loved you for a long time now, but I seriously doubt if I love you enough to leave this world for you. You're a wonderful friend, but as my love, I can't keep on pretending that I'm happy. I want more, but I can't ask you for that. You're not ready, and what I want I could never get from you. I only hope that I can find the courage to say this to your face, before it's too late…_

Finally acknowledging her question, he responds.

            "Yes, a walk in the courtyard sounds nice at the moment. Lead on," he says, adding a fake smile, although it's good enough to not gain Miaka's attention.

            After walking through the halls, they finally reach the outside. Then Tamahome reaches a decision.

            _I'll tell her that I'm not going with her to her world today…right here, in the courtyard…_

Miaka walks on ahead of him, her thoughts in the clouds as well.

            _Is he actually coming with me? Should I be happy or not? Before I was happy, rejoicing even, but now I'm not so sure…why? I see that look in his eye…when he thinks that I'm not looking. There's no other way that I can interpret it…it looks as though he is bored…he wants to be away from me? Does he really? Do I want him to leave? Do I still love him? _

Confused, she puts up a smile as Tamahome catches up with her.

            _Would I care if he didn't come?_ _I do care about him…but somehow all the love and roses that there were before just aren't there anymore…_

"It's really beautiful here, ne?" she asks cheerfully. "The willow trees are gorgeous at this time of year…" she looks around at the scenery, trying to get her mind off of her doubts and fears. And, as luck would have it, that's when Tamahome said the thing that made her life change.

            "Miaka…we need to talk."

**Handy little dictionary:**

**Kirei: **beautiful, pretty

**Ne: **right?


	3. Chapter Two: The Last Time

**Disclaimer: **Although I may wish with all of my heart that I own the seishi, they belong to Watase-san…but I can still dream, can't I? ^-^;;

My author's note/response:

**Jurie:** don't worry, Hotohori is one of the main characters in this story, I just haven't decided what to do with him yet ^-^;;

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**faeri_x: **that's what I plan on doing, giving you an idea of what the seishi would do with their lives if they had summoned suzaku while most of them were still alive…

**scarlet.tennyo: **ya, that's kinda the idea ^^;;

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**Tian: **::smiles:: arigato gozaimasu! ^-^

_Italics = _thoughts

Recap: 

            "Its really beautiful here, ne?" Miaka said cheerfully. "The willow trees are gorgeous…" she looked around at the scenery, trying to get her mind off of her doubts and fears. And, as luck would have it, that's when Tamahome said the one thing that made her whole life change.

            "Miaka…we need to talk."

Chapter two: The last time

            Miaka jumped.

            "Talk? Un…we can talk. Talk about what?" Her mind raced. _He wants to talk…about what? Why am I so terrified of that one phrase?_

            Tamahome looked into her troubled eyes, and decided that in the middle of the path was not the best place to say what he would. "Come with me."

            He grabbed her hand, and led her towards the east part of the courtyard, in a willow grove filled with wildflowers. The scent of the flowers had lingered throughout the courtyard, but somehow the flowers only grew there. Near the edge of the grove, in the shade, there was a stone bench, covered slightly with moss around the legs because of old age. He led Miaka to the bench, and then sat down, pulling her down with him.

            "Tamahome, what are you doing? What do you want to talk about? Why did you bring me here?" Her hazel eyes were full of confusion as she gazed at him. _Have I ever seen this expression on his face before? Tamahome…why am I so afraid of what you want to talk to me about? It's almost as though I know what you're going to say, and I dread it…_

            Tamahome looked straight into her eyes, and realized how much he needed to say what he felt about her. He studied her, the way her eyes glittered, the way her hair mimicked the willows as a slight breeze blew by, the way her skin was smooth, as smooth as cream. He didn't do anything but look at her, his eyes softening and starting to fill with sorrow.

            Miaka, unable to stand it, turned away. "Tamahome, why are you looking at me like that? I have an idea…demo…demo! This…" she trailed off. _This is not how I thought that it would end. But what did I expect, I wonder…_ Her eyes filled with tears, but she made them disappear almost as fast as they had come.

            Tamahome was startled by her words. "You know…you have an idea about why I brought you here…?" His eyes were confused. _How would she know?_

            Miaka turned again and looked at him, making sure he was looking at her before she says, "I have noticed it for a while…very slightly at first…but as time goes by…I realize it even more…I realize that no matter what I do, or you do…we are slowly drifting apart."

            His eyes softened, saddening. "Miaka…I really do like you…but not enough…you're more…more like a sister, than a lover…and no matter what I do, my views won't change themselves. I'm sorry, Miaka…some things just weren't meant to be…"

            She looked down, away from him so he wouldn't see the tears forming in her eyes against her will. _I knew this was coming, but I'm still not ready for it_. Her voice became almost monotone, her emotions being hidden as much as possible from him. "It's okay, I don't mind, I understand."

            Tamahome looked at her, noticing her tone of voice and the way her whole body slumped. He pulled her into a warm embrace, not a lover's one, but that of a best friend. "I'm so sorry, Miaka. You can't be just 'fine'. Even I am not 'fine' with this. I know that I'm hurting you, and I hate myself for it. But I know also that if I went on pretending, I would hurt you even more so than if I left…I'm so sorry, Miaka…"

            Finally, Miaka let out her thoughts, and responded, allowing a single tear to trickle down her cheek, before quickly whipping it away. "I know you did it for the best, and I know that this is the best thing to do…demo…it hurts…it still hurts."

            His eyes close in sorrow as she says those words. "Miaka…if there was a way to do this without hurting you, believe me I would choose it. But there isn't one…you'll have to accept this. I won't come back with you to your world. I won't live a lie…I'm sorry."

            Sighing, Miaka closed her eyes as he spoke. "Tamahome, can I ask you to do something for me? Just one last time?" Her eyes opened again, as she turned to look at him.

            Tamahome nodded, not sure what she's asking.

            _I owe her that much, for a last request or two._

            Miaka shut her eyes again, trying to figure out how to ask this, before she opened them to look at him.

            "Two things…one, don't mention any of this to the seishi. You should just leave here, to live a happier life somewhere else." _With someone you love._ "But don't come back. They will only think of you as a coward, but that's not why you shouldn't return. I wouldn't be able to bear the sight of you, because I'd imagine what was and what might've been, and I don't want to put you through that. So, leave. Promise me you'll be happy?" She looked into his eyes, deadly serious.

            Tamahome looked back at her, understanding completely. "I promise you."

            "Good…that's good…" Miaka shut her eyes again, willing herself not to cry.

            _Not here, and not now._

            "One more thing," she says as she turned back to him.

            "Hai?"

            Her eyes watered up, threatening to spill, but not able to yet. "Please, just one last time, hold me…"

            Tamahome noticed the grief that she was trying to hold back. He wrapped his arms around her compassionately, and she buried her face into his chest, letting a few tears out again, but not crying.

            Miaka pulled away after a moment, enough to look up at him, before leaning forward and capturing his lips in a kiss for the last time ever.

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            Hotohori looked out the window to see Miaka and Tamahome captured in a passionate kiss, and he couldn't tear his eyes away for a moment, just staring out, his eyes filling with unshed tears.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Miaka pulled away, feeling she should not show her feelings towards him anymore, she saw someone moving away from the window, only catching the view of stricken golden eyes, full of drowned hope, and loss.

_Hotohori?_

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**Handy little dictionary:**

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**Ne?:**    right?

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**Un:**      yes

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**Hai:**     yes


	4. Chapter Three: Bruises

**Disclaimer: **Although I may wish with all of my heart that I own the seishi, they belong to Watase-san…but I can still dream, can't I? ^-^;;

My author's note/responses:

**Valy **– ya…that's kind of the idea ^^;;

**JupiterHalo **– thank you for liking it…I'm not sure about the updating tho' x_x

**Junnanagous-girl13 **– well, there ya go, it's the next chapter ^^;

**Scarlet.tennyo **– yup, you got to read it, but here it is again…in it's shounen ai prime ^^;;

_Italics = _thoughts

Recap:

            Miaka pulled away, feeling she should not show her feelings towards him anymore, she saw someone moving away from the window, only catching the view of stricken golden eyes, full of drowned hope, and loss.

            _Hotohori?_

Chapter three: Bruises 

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            Miaka's eyes widened as she realizes who that person was.

            _Hotohori? What were you…?_ Then it dawned on her. _This is…the east wing…that means that Hotohori…his rooms are over here, and he saw…_

Tamahome, meanwhile, was too busy wallowing in his thoughts to have noticed Hotohori at the window, or the confusion on Miaka's face.

            _I have to leave here as soon as possible, so as to not worry anyone…and so that I don't cause Miaka any more pain than I already have._

Miaka turned away from the thoughts she had, and toward Tamahome.

            "Let's go in, Tamahome. The others should be just waking up, and they will be expecting us at breakfast. Let's leave." She grabbed his hand, and led him away from the grove, hoping that Hotohori had not heard their conversation. He hadn't…but a certain masked early riser had, as he sat enjoying the sunlight.

            _Miaka and Tamahome…after all that they went through for the sake of their love, they're just throwing it all away now? And they weren't planning on telling us seishi, I can imagine. It is probably best though, for knowing some of us, the reactions will not be pleasant._

He rose from his seat by the side of the lake, and put his mask on, talking to himself.

            "Life is full of choices, no da. We can only try to make the right ones." With that, he took one last look at the sunlight, before heading in, to awaken a certain fiery haired bandit, who was still out like a light.

            Chichiri knocked on the door, and was not surprised when he heard a muffled groan followed by a mumbled "Go 'way!" This is what usually happened, but nonetheless, he knocked every time before entering. The door swung open with little force, to reveal to the blue-haired monk a room in disarray, with the table and chairs strewn about in no organized manner at all. Tasuki lay on his bed, nursing the hangover that he had just woken up to.

            Tasuki opened one pained, angered amber eye to look at Chichiri, finally acknowledging his presence. He let out a long sigh, before saying, "'Morning, 'chiri…" He shut his eye again, ashamed that he was showing this side of his personality (the drunk side) to Chichiri yet again.

            Chichiri shook his head at Tasuki. _Tasuki, you have to stop drinking like this. You always get yourself drunk, and then are miserable the next day. I wish you'd stop. _Another thought appeared in his head, but he quickly suppressed it. He walked over to the door, and picked up a bowl of cold water that the servants had left there this morning. Apparently, they too could recognize when Tasuki had gone to an inn and had a few too many drinks.

            He took a cloth out of the bowl of water, and silently wrung all of the excess water out of it, before walking over to Tasuki's bed.

            Tasuki was a mess. His hair was disheveled, and he still had on the pants from yesterday, his shirt off and lying on the floor on the path leading from the door to the bed, but that wasn't what Chichiri noticed. Tasuki had one black eye, and scratches and bruises that were marking his normally smooth, light tan skin. Chichiri sighed.

            "You got into another bar fight, no da..," he stated, his voice calm, hiding his anger that Tasuki was so reckless, and his fear that one day, bruises and cuts weren't going to be the only things that Tasuki came home with.

            Tasuki rolled over, to face away from Chichiri, flinching at how blank the voice was. "What's it to you?" His voice came out harsher than he had meant, but Chichiri knew that he was just tired.

            Chichiri switched his voice out of its normal happy go lucky falsetto, becoming serious, slipping off his mask as well.

            "You've got to stop doing this" He laid his hand on Tasuki's back, tracing his fingers lightly over the cuts and bruises there. Quietly, he added, "You're hurting yourself." _You're hurting me by doing this._

Tasuki shivered under Chichiri's touch, his gently fingers being alien to the bandit. He turned over, opening his eyes to look at Chichiri. Looking into his eyes, he could see the unspoken words, and he quickly looked away, sighing, defeated.

            Chichiri put the cloth back in the bowl, forgotten for the moment, and went to a chest of drawers, opening a select one to pull out a jar of salve. He brought it over to Tasuki, and sat down next to him as he moved over to make room. Gently, Chichiri took the salve and eased it on every cut, making sure to be careful around the dark bruises. Then he took cloth and bandaged the deep cuts, before getting up and silently putting the supplies back in the drawer.

            Tasuki sighed. "Thanks, 'chiri…" he murmured, as his head continued to implode, or at least that's what it felt like to him.

            Chichiri turned to look at Tasuki, his one eye regarding him closely, before going back and bringing the bowl to the bed, ringing out the cloth, then putting it on Tasuki's forehead.

            "You should get some more sleep…no da." Noticing Tasuki's reluctance, he added, "Miaka wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to everyone."

            Tasuki closed his eyes, "Do ya think that we'll ever see 'er again? After she leaves, that is…"

            Chichiri closed his eye, "Miaka would never forget about us, no da. She will come back, when she misses us, no da, I'm sure of it. Now go to sleep, no da."

            Tasuki smiled slightly, before allowing himself to drift off to sleep. Chichiri gazed at the calm, childlike expression on the bandit's face, one that few see. He reached out a hand to caress the redhead's pale cheek, replaced the damp cloth on his forehead, and then quietly stepped out of the room.        

            _Someday…all will be different._

Author's Note:

            Hillo minna. I'm really glad if you like reading this ficcy…but you see I have a problem here. I'm completely stuck as to what to do with it…any ideas? Lately, I'm lacking in the creativity department, and I need all the help I can get from you reviewers…so any help will be greatly appreciated! Just add your ideas onto the reviews, and I'll take each and every one in to consideration! 

            ~Shinime


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